Pick a Good Partner

10 Tips to Help You Pick a Good Partner

Tips for making good choices about dating, relating and mating.

Published on October 21, 2011 by Barton Goldsmith, Ph.D. in Emotional Fitness

Some people have what I have come to call "broken pickers." They just can't seem to pick good partners for themselves. If this is something you're dealing with, here are some tips for making good choices when it comes to dating and mating.
1. People will tell you exactly who they are; it's up to you to listen. If someone says they're usually in a bad mood or don't know how to be monogamous, hear what they are saying and don't think you can change them.
2. Take a test drive. Go for an eight-hour drive with your intended. Whatever difficulties you may have will make themselves painfully obvious. This test is not for the faint of heart or for those with heart conditions.
3. Look for someone who is kind and loving. If you're really lucky, your partner will also have a family who taught him or her how to be that way. Having in-laws who treat you like a member of the family will make your life much nicer.

4. Make sure the person you're seeing doesn't smoke, even if you do. If he or she is a nonsmoker, it may get you to stop. Think of it this way: you're choosing happiness over death.
5. Find someone you can talk to. As time passes, this quality is more important than looks, money, or position. If you can't talk to your partner or cry on his or her shoulder, it's not going to be a good match.
6. Make sure you have the basics in common. For example, if one of you wants children and the other doesn't, it's a deal breaker. Spiritual and political differences can also be difficult to deal with. As we age, our feelings in these areas tend to intensify.7. Make sure that you have enough differences that, if you are unable to go out, you can still entertain each other. If someone is just like you, it might get a little boring as time goes by.
8. Physical compatibility has more to do with touch than it does with sex. If you're a tactile person, you need to be with someone who shares that desire. People's desire for sex changes over a lifetime, but our need for touch remains fairly constant.
9. Beware of people who want to get married immediately.Engagements were created for a reason. They used to call them "handfasts," and they lasted for a year and a day. Things move much quicker these days, but it's wise to know someone for at least six months before getting engaged.
10. Find someone who makes you laugh. A sense of humor can help you overcome many of life's obstacles. If someone can make you smile when you don't feel like it, that's a great quality.
There are no guarantees in life. It isn't possible to be absolutely sure about anyone. Take your time; listen to your friends and to your intuition. Picking the right person for the right reasons at the right time is an art form.

Article from: http://www.psychologytoday.com

The Best Marriage Advice You've Ever Heard

Tips to Make Your Marriage Better

Our readers and fans share their favorite advice for making marriage stronger and happier.

Is there something your mother once told you that stayed with you forever? Did a gal pal once set you straight about love? Or did a television talk show host give you insights that you’ve been able to use in your life? As part of our “Lessons for Living” series, we’ve asked our readers and fans to share the best marriage advice they have ever received. Read on for 18 tips that have changes the lives of married couples.

Respect, Trust, and Love

Respect, Trust, and Love; My husband and I followed these steps, and been happily married for 18 years!

-Elva Martinez Sandoval

Be Open to Change

The best advice I have received is to be open to change and allow your love for one another to expand and grow. It gives for an exciting ride!

-Stacey Williams-Haremski

Neither Of You Are Perfect

Treat your spouse with the loving kindness you expect to receive then do a bit more. Understand that you are not perfect and don't expect them to be.

-Helen Mikus

Be Supportive

It is very important for both of you to be supportive of the other one's ideas, goals. Stand beside them even though sometimes you may disagree with the other one. Keep the lines of communication open, for if you don't, your partner will not let you know what is going on. If you shut them out, they feel unwanted. Let them know that you are there for them and that you love them in spite of themselves.

-Ann Taylor Johnson

Stand By Each Other and Listen

Understand that your spouse is a person with needs, wants and desires that probably differ from your own. Support your spouse (even if you think they're wrong) in public and discuss differences in private. Take every opportunity to say, "I love you"...and mean it. Finally, listen!

-Bert

Share The Same Values

Find someone who values the same things in life that you do. Opposites attract, but like things stick together.

-Gail Ramsdell

You Choose to Love

You wake up every day and make the decision to love that person. It doesn't just happen, you make the choice.

-Mary Koran Keaton

Pray Together

Pray aloud together every day, there's no better way to learn what's truly on a person's heart and mind than to hear what they're talking to God about.

-Beth Montgomery

Keep The Fire Burning

You have to keep the flame burning, the flames won't fan themselves!

-Diane Huff

Don't Focus On Faults

When you see faults in your spouse it’s best to look for yours also. Or stop looking for faults in your spouse or you may realize he is looking at yours too.

-Diane Duncan

Give It Your All

Marriage isn’t 50/50. It’s 100/100. You need to give whole heartedly to each other and everything will work out. Trust in god and your partner.

-Nicole Harriman-hill

Be Best Friends

You must be best friends, too. I can go to my other half and not worry about being put down no matter what. If I make a mistake or he does, we work it out by talking.

-Ann Taylor Johnson

Take Responsibility For Your Self

Understand that everything you ask your partner to give you can only be found inside yourself. Be responsible for you and let your partner be responsible by him/herself. Live together but not depend upon each other.

-Daniela Vianello

Trust, Honesty, Kindness, and Forgiveness

Lots of trust, honesty, kindness, and forgiveness.

-Gina Gregson

"You're Right About That"

The best marriage advice I've ever received is from a lecture by Dr. Wayne Dyer my wife and I attended, "You're Right About That". My wife and I have a lot of fun now with this short statement. It's gotten so we know that when the other one says this that they are really saying, "you're wrong, but I love you enough to pretend you're right!" We laugh together when one of us uses this line. It's a great attitude.

- Scott

Don't Try to Change Your Partner

Do not enter into marriage hoping to change the other person!

-Stephanie Worrall

He Is The Company He Keeps

"Birds of a feather flock together". Be sure you like his siblings, parents and his friends before you marry. Like it or not, these people are with you all your married life. Look at them and you see what he is made of.

-Jeanie

Show Lots of Affection

This may sound weird but, treat your spouse like you treat your pet. Give plenty of hugs and kisses, praise them, and pet them for no reason. When you wake up tell them you love them. When you go away and return, be excited to see them. In the middle of a heated argument that's going nowhere just stop and give your spouse a big kiss this takes the ...edge off and both either laugh or hopefully can talk it out without a scream fest.

-Debbie Tomlin Wilson

Article from: www.beliefnet.com

7 Risky Questions Every Wife Needs to Ask

What's it like to be married to me?
Author Linda Dillow talks about the seven risky questions every wife should ask herself from her new book, "What's It Like to be Married to Me?"

A wife and especially a wife who is also a Mom, lives her life scattered and segmented. She sighs: "I never think about my marriage.  My life is a treadmill, and I can’t stop running and think.  I just move from one area of need to another.  My children and job scream louder than my husband, so he gets the leftovers of me." (married 14 years)

Believe me, I understand.  I had three children in three years, adopted a fourth when he was a teen, and had teenagers ages 13, 14,15 and 17.  I can still feel that overwhelming scatteredness that made my head spin.

When life is wild, we don’t stop and think about our priorities.  We don’t think about what is really important.  We don’t take time to look at God’s Word and call out to Him, “Search my heart, O God!”
 
I realized I couldn’t wait until life slowed down to think about my marriage ….I had to do it now.  So I got brave and asked myself risky questions like, "What is it like to be married to me?" God met me in the middle of the questions.  Will you be brave and ask risky questions?


What is REALLY important to me?

“I work a stressful job and come home to kids, cooking, laundry, and a husband with needs.  Everyone at home and work wants a piece of me.”  Another wife said it like this:  “I never think about my marriage.  My life is a treadmill, and I can’t stop running and think.”
 
Do you realize that your choices reveal what is important to you?  When I had three little ones, I realized that my choices must say that my husband is my first priority of all the people on earth. I could push my relationship with my husband off until life got easier but I decided that normal life means hectic, normal means time is at a premium, that time as a couple is hard to come by. I knew that I could live my marriage by default or by design. It was my choice.
 
I’m so grateful that when the kids were little, I stopped to think about my marriage and chose to have a marriage by design. Now, in the empty nest, we are reaping the benefits!


What does it feel like to be my husband?
“I criticize my husband on a daily basis." (married 17 years)

“I take my husband for granted.  He gets the worst part of me on my bad days and what’s left of me most days." (married 34 years)

Are these husband comments typical?  I’m sorry to say they are.  Solomon described many wives when he said, “A nagging wife is like a dripping rain drop.  Stopping her complaints is like trying to stop the wind or trying to hold something with greased hands.” (Proverbs 27:15-16)

God says our griping, grumbling, nagging and venting attitude is wrong and when a husband feels criticized, and nagged the marriage is sliding down a slippery slope.  But there is hope!  Tell your gripes to God and not to your husband (Psalm 142:1-3) and put on a no-griping bracelet.  What is that?  Any bracelet you put on your right wrist and change to the left when you gripe.  Then you move it back when you grumble again.  This exercise helps us as wives to be aware of what is coming out of our mouths.  I promise you will learn and understanding is the first step to change!


Am I willing to change my attitude?
The most important prayer in the world is just two words long:  “Thank you.”  We wives need an attitude change.  Griping goes out, gratitude comes in!  Wouldn’t you rather be known as a thankful wife instead of a griping, grumbling, venting one?  I would.  So I went on a hunt to discover ways to grow in gratitude.

First, I wanted to grow in God Gratitude.  I burned Psalm 92:1-2 into my mind and heart.  “It is good to give thanks to the Lord and to sing praises to Your name, O Most High; to declare Your loving-kindness in the morning and Your faithfulness by night.”  Before I got out of bed in the morning, I thanked God for His unfailing love to me.  At night I thanked Him specifically for His faithfulness to me throughout that day.  I got excited about thanking God every morning and night.

Second, I wanted to grow in Husband Gratitude.  I bought myself a “Thankful Journal” and once a week I wrote what I was thankful for in this man I live with.  As I wrote down my “thankfuls,” I was surprised how long the list grew.    As my list grew, so did my heart of gratitude.  My attitude changed.  Yours can too!


What will it take for me to get close to you?
I’m going to tell you a secret: men and women are different!  I somehow don’t think you’re shocked.  Can a wife really get close to this husband who is so different from her?  Absolutely.  It begins with understanding his “gap.”  God says both husbands and wives have gaps and their gaps are not the same.  A wife has a “love gap” and a husband has a “respect gap.”  And God’s plan is to fill your husband’s “respect gap” through you, by your words of encouragement and admiration.

The Message renders Ephesians 4:29 like this:  “Say only what helps, each word a gift.”  Can you imagine how your husband would feel if each word you spoke to him was a gift?  I see emotional intimacy as entering into each other's life and hearing not just the words but the heart.  And then opening your mouth and pouring courage into the one you love.  It is as if you come alongside your husband on his journey through life and speak words to encourage him when life is tough.  You choose words that build him up and tell him, “I respect the man you are becoming!”


What is it like to make love with me?
Does any wife want to ask this question?  How would your husband answer?  For the past twelve years, I’ve traveled around the world teaching Christian women about the joys of sexual intimacy.  I’m sad to report that many wives are afraid of sex, disappointed in sexual intimacy, hindered by guilt over their wrong choices or confused over what a godly and sensuous wife looks like.

God is for sex!  He longs for every wife to revel in the beauty, the holiness, the joy of intimate oneness and pleasure.  Read Proverbs 5: 15-19.  What do you see in these verses?  I see pleasure.  I see delight.  I see fun. I see freedom, abandonment, intoxication and ecstasy.  This is what God wants for me and for you!

I remember talking to Sadie, a precious young woman who had suffered horrible sexual abuse.  She described her intimacy with her husband as “tolerable.”  Her counselor and friends said it was amazing with her background that it was even tolerable.  I remember the day Sadie said to me, “I’m going to trust God to take us beyond 'tolerable.'"  And God did more than Sadie imagined possible.  Today joy and delight describe their sexual relationship.  Our God is a God who heals!  I pray joy and delight will be your words too!


Why do I want to stay mad at you?
“I want to stay mad because you are clearly in the wrong and I’m not.  If I give up being mad, then it’s like I’m lying down and giving up—saying that you’re right.  I want to stay mad because then I have more ammunition stored up for the day I get to explode.  Is this right?  No!  But it’s so hard to let it go and give it up to the Father.” This honest woman is right, it isn’t right to hold on to my 'mad' at my husband.  Sure, it feels good….for a moment. But it builds bitterness and hardness between us.  God has some good reasons for us to give up our 'mad.'

Forgiving kicks Satan out!
The apostle Paul encourages us to forgive so that Satan will not outsmart us.  (2 Cor. 2:11)  Outsmarted by the Evil One?  No thank you!  I don’t like the picture of my adversary, Satan, squealing with delight because I’ve chosen to hold a grudge.  Kick Satan out!  Don’t let him win!


Is it possible to grow together when things fall apart?

Life is full of problems.  In a marriage, a crisis presents the potential for one of two things:

1. Danger that the crisis will tear us apart and destroy our oneness
2. Opportunity that the crisis will push us together and deepen our oneness

The way to grow together when problems assault you is to apply God’s Word to your crisis.  “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5,6)  There are three things in these verses that you are to do:  Trust with all YOUR heart, don’t lean on YOUR own understanding, Acknowledge God in all YOUR ways. If those three things happen then HE will smooth out the rough places in your life and marriage.  Will you pray this dangerous prayer?


My Father, teach me how to trust You.  I want crisis to bring my husband and me closer together.  I’m up when things are good and down when they’re bad.  I long for us to grow closer together in the hard times.  Please help me!


Read more: www.beliefnet.com

5 Ways to Get a Good Night's Sleep

How to Get Your Zzzz's

I don’t have to explain to you why sleep is important. Our bodies were designed with an innate need for daily, deep rest and relaxation. It refreshes and rejuvenates us for the day ahead. However, many people suffer through night after night of disruptive sleep. If that’s you, here are a few tips to help you get your zzz’s.

Jennifer E. Jones is the Inspiration Editor who needs a good eight hours of sleep to keep her sunny disposition.


Wind Down with the Sun
Tap into your natural circadian rhythms with the rising and setting of the sun. When the sun goes down, let that be your cue to begin to wind down as well. Of course, you don’t have to hit the sack immediately, but begin to quiet your body. Wind down with some light reading or relaxing on your porch. Keep high-energy and mentally complex activities for the daylight hours.


Make Your Bedroom the Room for Rest
The bedroom isn’t your entertainment room, office or study. Or at least it shouldn’t be. When you have it outfitted with televisions and laptops, it’s easy to get distracted from sleep. Remove any unnecessary items from your bedroom and make it a place mainly for relaxation.


Let Pets Sleep in Their Own Bed
I will catch some flak for this, but there’s scientific research to back it up. If you have trouble sleeping and you share your bed with a pet, there’s a good chance Fluffy is the cause. From night roaming, scratching to acting out their own dreams, pets are moving around and waking you up far more often than you realize. According to WebMD, dogs can be trained to sleep in their own beds, and cats… well, it’s best to leave them outside the bedroom.


Don't Eat Too Much So Close to Bedtime
When it’s time to sleep, your body prefers to do just that and not much else. When you eat too much right before bed, your body is working hard to digest all that food and it can’t concentrate on preparing itself for sleep. So, do your body a favor and create a gap between dinner time and bedtime; experts suggest about three hours.


Pray, Meditate and Clear Your Mind
Worry and stress are sleep robbers too. It’s hard to relax when your mind is racing. Make some space at night for your own personal quiet time. Meditate and pray. Read something that will encourage you to let go of your problems. When you stop worrying, you will sleep better.


Read More: www.beliefnet.com

Your 6-Step Guide to Being More Satisfied in Bed

Get Your Groove Back
Don't listen to Mick Jagger. We actually can get some satisfaction and, when it comes to sex, maybe a lot. How? Judy Dutton, author of How We Do It: How the Science of Sex Can Make You a Better Lover, interviewed a slew of sex researchers, analyzed studies, and talked to average people about what turns them on. She shares some scientifically based tips to put some sizzle back in your relationship.


Turn On Your Brain with a Date Night
Forget the dinner and movie. Instead, Dutton suggests sign up for dancing lessons together. Two left feet? Try cooking class. Opt for any type of activity that engages your mind as well as your body. Researchers at Stony Brook University in New York found that brain scans of couples who were madly in love after two decades of marriage had the same neural activity as those couples who recently fell in love. Scientists believe that long-married couples who show this kind of brain activity release dopamine, a feel good brain chemical that is in abundance when we first fall in love. How do they keep love alive? One way to up their dopamine levels is to do novel things as a couple. “Learning something new together is basically like tricking your brain into falling in love all over again,” says Dutton. Ideally, she says couples should plan some type of challenging date at least one evening a week. (For those of us who live in a world crowded with deadlines, lunch boxes and babysitters, an adventurous date once a month could be a worthy goal.)


Just Do It
If you're waiting for the perfect moment for good lovin', know this: it may be trickier for women to figure out when the time is right. Researchers studying male and female arousal found that women get physically aroused as rapidly as men when they viewed sexually explicit material. Psychologically, though, it was another story. While men reported that the videos made them horny, women rated some pictures as "not arousing," despite the fact that they'd experienced increased vaginal blood flow when viewing explicit images. “There obviously is a disconnect between body response and mind response,” says Dutton. Of course, no one should feel coerced into sex. But if you're on the fence, try a little tenderness. Sometimes making love makes you feel like making love. “It’s kind of like going to the gym,” says Dutton. “A lot of times you don’t want to go, but when you do, you’re happy you did it. The same thing goes for sex.” And you don't need to pay a monthly membership.


Let Biology Work in Your Favor
Studies show that women are most attractive to men and feel their sexiest when they are ovulating–generally about 14 days after the start of a menstrual cycle. For many women, that’s when the sex drive is highest. According to Dutton, some research shows that women unconsciously dress more provocatively during ovulation. And you can pass this scientific tidbit on to your boyfriend: Studies show that women are twice as likely to have an orgasm when ovulating. “It’s purely a timing issue, not necessarily technique,” says Dutton. Of course, you don't have to tell him that. Just smile.


Add Spice to Vanilla Sex
Researchers found that more variety in bed means more orgasms. One study found that among women who engaged in a “no frills” type of sexual intercourse with their partners only about 50 percent had an orgasm. But if the couples did three activities in bed—intercourse, manual stimulation and oral stimulation, for example—the women were about twice as likely to be orgasmic than those in the “no frills” group. Doing more in bed also changes the quality of your orgasm. Instead of just having the clitoris stimulated to induce a clitoral orgasm, women will have "blended" orgasms, meaning many different nerve pathways are aroused, including the vagina, clitoris, and cervix. And researchers say “blended” orgasms are definitely the more toe-curling variety. Trying to think of different things to do? You can make love like a rock star (think baby oil and a shower). Or like a librarian. Researchers have documented women becoming orgasmic from having their hands or eyebrows rubbed, or even by just thinking of an orgasm, says Dutton.


Gimme An A! Gimme A U! Gimme A G!
We've all heard about the “G spot,” that sure-to-arouse zone in the vagina that's as tricky to locate as the Yeti. Other cultures have identified some new hot spots that are believed to be equally as sensitive. In the 1980s, a Malaysian sexologist discovered the anterior fornix erogenous zone, or "A spot." According to the paper he published in the journal Sexual and Marital Therapy, women who have their A spots stimulated, become lubricated in five to 10 seconds and orgasm in one to two minutes. (The “A” spot is in the belly-side of the vagina, two to three inches in.) Researchers in the United Kingdom discovered the “U spot," a tiny bit of tissue surrounding the urethral opening. It seems that women who orgasm during intercourse actually do so because their "U spots" are being stimulated, according to a report in the journal Experimental and Clinical Endocrinology & Diabetes. Happy hunting.


Keepin' It Real
Dutton believes one of the most important things to remember is the “2-6-2” rule. Studies show that about every 10 times you have sex, two of those times on average will be wonderful, six of those times will be adequate, and two of those times will be less than stellar. “I think it’s most important to enjoy the relationship you have and then work together to see how you can improve it," says Dutton. Stop comparing. "No one is having great sex all the time, but we believe everyone is having better sex than we are." According to the 2-6-2 rule, less than stellar sex with someone you love means that wonderful sex is just around the corner. And with these tips, getting there is going to be a lot of fun.



Read More http://www.ivillage.com/your-6-step-guide-being-more-satisfied-bed/4-b-122060#ixzz1aH7NWGFx
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8 Ways to Stop Holding a Grudge

Learn to Let Go and Forgive

By Renita Williams
We all have experienced hurt and pain in our lives. Sometimes we are exposed to experiences so painful that they leave marks that are difficult to heal-especially if we feel somone has wronged us or harmed us.
A natural response may be to develop a grudge, or even a hatred of the person who has caused us pain. But the person who holds the gudge always suffers more!
The longer we hold a grudge the more difficult it is to forgive and move on. You can begin to free yourself when you begin to forgive. Here are eight ways to get a grip on the pain and find the strength to let it go.


Acknowledge the Problem
Figure out what it is that’s causing you to hold a grudge. You have to know what the problem is in order to solve it. When you allow yourself to see the real issue you can then make a choice to move forward from there.


Share Your Feelings
A grudge can form when an issue isn’t fully confronted. Without being judgemental about yourself or another, clarify your feelings on the situation. Then, decide if this is something you will work on in your own heart or by contacting the other person involved. Only when you are ready, communicate with the other person about the issue. Whether you work it out on your own or involved the other person, you may feel more relieved by releasing that built up tension and all involved can have a better understanding of the situation and able to resolve the issue.


Switch Places
To get a better understanding of the other person, try putting yourself in their shoes. This will give you a better understanding of their point of view and behavior. Maybe the person in question was in a lot of pain. This doesn’t justify their negativity, but it will help you understand it. The more you understand the other person and their behavior, the easier it is not to let go of a grudge.


Accept What Is
Choose to create your own healing, with or without an apology. Don’t wait for the person you are upset with to come around. For all you know they are already past the issue and not putting as much thought into it. Even if they don’t offer an apology, it doesn’t mean they are not remorseful. Some people are unable to apologize or may not fully understand that the person they hurt may need to hear one.


Don’t Dwell On It
Once you have decided to move on, keep on moving. Don’t put too much thought into the situation or continuously discuss it. It will only make things worse and harder to get over. If ever the issue is brought up in conversation, change the subject or just look at it as the past and leave it there.


Look at the Bright Side
For every negative situation there is a positive. If you take this as a learning experience, you will benefit from knowing more about yourself and the other person. Choose to learn a valuable lesson or walk away with a better understanding that can help you let go of the issue and not resent the other person.


Let It Go
Letting go allows room for peace and happiness. A long lasting grudge will only drain you physically and emotionally and can surely affect your health. You will use more energy than you can imagine by holding a grudge than you will by letting go.


Forgive
Of course forgiving doesn’t mean you will forget the issue. It’s just acknowledging your differences and accepting that no one is perfect and we all make mistakes we should learn from. Forgiving isn’t the easiest to do especially when you’ve endured a lot of hurt and pain, but it’s the only way to truly let go and have peace.



Read more: www.beliefnet.com

Getting Over the 'It's Not Fair Syndrome'

You Can't Always Get What You Want

Life may not always seem fair, but we can learn to roll with the punches and make new choices along the way.

By Anne Mattos-Leedom

I remember so clearly sitting next to my dad as we drove through town. I was discussing some injustice I had suffered and he looked directly at me and said, “no one ever said life was fair.” I was completely devastated. Later on as my marriage crumbled in spite of my ongoing efforts to hold it together, I could still hear those words echo in my heart. Now as I raise two kids alone, attempt to create new relationships and build a business, I am forced every day to face this inevitable truth. I decided to stop running from the obvious and to accept my dad’s wisdom, albeit with the help of a few sound strategies I’ve learned along the way.

We will all face loss, unexpected change and feeling like the rug has been pulled out from beneath us. Some of us are recovering from harsh realities that will take time to heal. I wanted to share what worked for me. Here are my top ten ways to get over the “it’s not fair syndrome."

Stop Comparing

We choose for ourselves what seems fair by comparing our lives and circumstances to those of others around us. Resolve to evaluate your life based only on what you want for yourself and not based on what others seem to have. There is a divine plan for each of us. Having faith in that plan will create a sense of fairness regardless of your circumstances.

Take Charge of Your Beliefs

We are often conditioned from a young age to expect certain things in life as we grow up. However, as an adult we need to let go of beliefs and expectations that are not working for us. Create a life built around beliefs that are consistent with what you have and what you can achieve realistically, and not on what you thought you would have or what you feel you are entitled to
.

Grieve and Move on

Sometimes life does hand us a bad deal. Divorce, financial stress, loss, health issues and other circumstances that are out of our control can be truly devastating and leave us feeling that life is truly not fair. However, life will be less of a struggle when you accept that no matter how well you take care of yourself, nurture your relationships and protect your children, bad things do happen to smart and careful people. Staying stuck in that pain keeps us in the place of ‘life isn’t fair’. It is only in coming to terms with our grief and realizing that everyone suffers at one time or another that we can move on.

Relinquish Resentment and Set New Goals

Often we work very hard to achieve something that just doesn’t work out and we are disappointed, or even devastated. It feels like life will fall apart. Adding injury to insult, if we see someone else succeed at what we hoped for—especially if that person does not seem as dedicated or hardworking—it is only human to feel resentful. However, holding on to that frustration can keep you from moving forward. If whatever you are working on is not working, take a step back, re-assess and set a new goal that has a better chance of success. Use other people’s success as motivation and model to do better yourself. It doesn’t matter if it should have worked. If it isn’t working, move on.

Redefine the Concept of Fair

Often we look to a divine power to be completely and totally responsible for our lives. We say, it isn’t fair that I didn’t get that job or my marriage didn’t work out, etc. because of how we believe that the universe and/or God should care for us blindly. Our lives are a team effort with the divine. Our part is to do the best we can and then to see past the moment into the bigger picture and knowing that ultimately what happens if part of that plan. Often things are much fairer then we realize at the time. That is where faith comes in
.

Give Up on Control

There are so many chaotic events in the world and in our lives, and in an attempt to cope we often cultivate a need to control as many things as we can. However, this can be a delicate balance. The sense of ‘it’s not fair’ often comes from the need to control things in our life that in spite of our best efforts we simply do not have ultimate control over. Develop a healthy balance between giving things your best effort and then understanding ultimately it is out of your control. Put your efforts into the process but learn to let go of the need to control the outcome.

Build a ‘Fairness Support Circle’

Whatever issues are troubling you are most likely issues many others are also struggling with as well. Don’t isolate yourself, which can lead to a crippling sense of life being unfair. When you share your pain and circumstances with others and realize you are not alone, you can turn the sense of “it isn’t fair” into compassion and eventually, action to let go.

Reflect on the Truth

With a few possible exceptions, many of the difficult things that happen to us in life that are the direct result of choices we made. In many cases our circumstances may be due to a choice to avoid doing something we needed to do. Take a hard look at your circumstances that seem so unfair and ask yourself the hard questions about what you did do or not do that might have increased the chances of this happening to you.

Get Help When Needed

Sometimes life’s challenges can be debilitating. Getting caught up in the “its not fair” syndrome is also a way to avoid dealing with real pain. Getting professional help at this point may be the only way you can look at the real issues that may be plaguing you and to get the tools you need to move forward past your current pain into a place of hope and possibility once again.

Accept that Life isn’t Fair

Sometimes the best way to get past the life “isn’t fair” syndrome is to accept that life is indeed unfair in many cases. We will see others succeed that don’t seem to deserve it. It is only in truly accepting that we don’t know the whole picture—or why things happen as they do--that we can move on. It is not for any of us to say why things happen as they do. Let go of the idea you have total control and you might find that the only time fairness enters your world is when it relates to how you treat others. Life may not be fair, but you can be fair—and be the best human being you can be.

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Tips for Reducing Stress in Your Life

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You Don't Have to be Controlled by Stress

Stress—we have all felt it at one time or another. But, many people feel stress often. Some even feel it as a part of their daily lives.


Stress can contribute to numerous conditions, like coronary artery disease, stroke, immune disorders, gastrointestinal problems, eating problems, sleep disturbances, and sexual problems. Learning to reduce your stress can help you live happier, healthier, and maybe even longer.

Be Realistic

Do not take on everything; learn to say no. Set realistic goals for yourself. If you are feeling overwhelmed, try eliminating an activity that is not absolutely necessary.
Ask yourself, "What really needs to be done? Is the deadline realistic?" No one is perfect, so do not expect perfection from yourself or others. And ask for help if you need it.

Meditate

It only takes about 10-20 minutes to get a benefit from meditating. These few moments of quiet reflection may bring relief from stress as well as increase your tolerance to it. And it is simple to do: sit quietly, listen to peaceful music, relax, and try and think of pleasant things or think of nothing.

Visualize

Take a moment to picture how you can manage a stressful situation more calmly and successfully.
This can work with just about anything, whether it is an important presentation at work or moving to a new place or taking an exam. A visual rehearsal can boost self-confidence and help you have a more positive attitude toward a difficult task.

Talk

Take a moment to picture how you can manage a stressful situation more calmly and successfully.
This can work with just about anything, whether it is an important presentation at work or moving to a new place or taking an exam. A visual rehearsal can boost self-confidence and help you have a more positive attitude toward a difficult task.

Give in Occasionally

You do not always have to be right. Be flexible. Be willing to compromise. If you do, others may meet you halfway.  If you know you are right, stand your ground, but be calm and rational. Make sure you listen and make allowances for other's opinions.

Slow Down

When you start to feel overwhelmed, try taking one task at a time. Make a list of things you need to do. Put the most urgent task at the top. Once you have accomplished it, cross it off and move on to the next one. The positive feeling of crossing things off can help keep you motivated.

Be Active

Regular exercise is a great way to reduce stress, and it benefits the body as well as the mind.

Hobbies

Take a break from the stressors of life and do something you really enjoy. Try gardening, painting, or reading. Schedule time to indulge your interests.

Practice a Healthy Lifestyle

Eating healthfully will make a difference. Avoiding things like smoking, excessive alcohol, and caffeine will help, as well.  Make sure you get adequate rest and exercise. Try to balance work and play.

Let Go of Perfection

When you expect too much from yourself or others, you may end up feeling frustrated, let down, and disappointed. Remember that each person, including yourself, has shortcomings. But, you also have beautiful qualities to share with the world.

What I learned from the world's richest man

http://www.beliefnet.com

Are you willing to change your attitude?

Bestselling author Alan Cohen shares "everything you need to know about achieving personal and financial success" from the "richest man in the world."

"Although you may not recognize him, you do know him," writes Cohen.

What would such a mystery man have to teach you and me? Well, how about this:

"Contrary to popular belief, getting everything we want does not involve gritting your teeth and fighting each step of the way. Instead, it means adjusting our changing attitudes -- from a fear mentality to a wealth mentality."

That means overcoming small and self-defeating modes of thinking ... and taking care of people while life takes care of you.


What do you see?
What we see, is what we believe.

Yet the universe was created in utter abundance, even extravagance. For every limit that we can imagine, there is something beyond it. Look more. See more. Wonder if there is more available to you than you’ve been settling for. Notice signs of plenty around you.
 

How do you think?
We shrink our world when we think and talk small.

It shrinks even more when we surround ourselves with those who agree with us. Many find comfort in living tiny lives, and resist even those changes that would help them. The cause of this poverty is not lack, but fear and withholding. The world is not small. We are.


Allow all that life offers! 
Do not limit life to your beliefs.

Instead, expand your beliefs to allow for all that life has to offer. Those who succeed in life pay more attention to their own visions and goals than to the history or opinions of others. Be brave. If you do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always gotten.

Allow all that life offers!
Wealth is a mirror of our beliefs and expectations. When we change our minds, our situations change to reflect it. It is difficult to defeat an enemy who has an outpost in our heads. Poverty is an external circumstance that can be overcome, but poverty mentality is the enemy within. Our thoughts are the strongest currency at our disposal.

What is your point of power?
We inherit our beliefs about money from our parents and authority figures, learning (and teaching) through feelings, energy, and example. But we can reprogram our minds by focusing on prosperity. Remember that the present is our point of power. Move forward energized by positivity.

Direct your thoughts toward prosperity.

What is your point of power? 
Life is a succession of moments. To live each one is to succeed. Every interaction is an opportunity to practice human connection, and inhabit a life of quality and integrity.

Take care of the people around you and life will take care of you.


An investment in yourself! 
Everything we do, everything we buy, is a statement of what we believe we are worth. If we allow ourselves the things we love and embrace life’s pleasures, we can allow others the same. Consider your actions as an investment in yourself.

You are worth having anything you love.

Joy and choice ...
Money is a current of energy that becomes good or evil depending on how we think of it and use it.

When we recognize our power to generate wealth, we no longer need to coerce it or withhold it from others – because the only money worth having is that which is given and received with joy and choice.

Our source is infinite!
We can make anything out of anything.

If we cannot change a situation, we can reframe it in our minds so that it works in our favor. No single person or institution is the source of our good. Our source is infinite and can find us in ways that we have yet to even think of.

Enjoy what you have!
Happiness is not something that happens to you.

It is an attitude that you cultivate. Wanting more from life is healthy and natural; just remember to enjoy what you have. If you feel rich, you are rich.

Wealth is determined by more than money.

Trust yourself!
Our lives are guided by an intelligence that matches people with the things that they need.

Part of us is always clear and strong, even when other parts are not. We must learn to let that part lead, when we are confused or in a crisis.

We must learn to trust ourselves.

Your life is your work 
We can retire from a job or a career, but not from life.

We cannot afford to do anything with less than a whole heart. If we breathe passion and energy into our careers and creations, others will pay to experience that joy with and through us. Our lives are our work.

Choose both well.

Your life is your work
It is never too late to be what you might have been.

Your future is not what it used to be. Make a list of what you would do if you had one year to live, and do it – all of it. Enjoy the people you love as if it were the last time you will see them. Enjoy the life you are living as though it were the only one.

Your life is your work
"Life has an amazing way of sending help to those who need is," says bestselling author Alan Cohen. "When I most needed help, it showed up. Life did not leave me to drift and die. To the contrary, my ordeal led me to greater life."

 If you have liked these nuggets of wisdom, then you'll enjoy How Good Can It Get? : What I Learned From the Richest Man in the World, by Alan Cohen (copyright @2011 by Alan Cohen) published by Hampton Roads Publishing Co. 

5 Ways to Bring Peace into Your Day

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Take a Moment for Yourself

As soon as you wake up, it begins. You have meals to make, kids to dress, and a to-do list that never ends. Even your phone is delivering calls, text messages, emails and “Angry Birds” that keep pulling on you for attention. Does this merry-go-round world ever stop?


Here’s the good news: your life may not slow down, but you can. Moments to refresh and recharge are all around you. From the busy soccer mom to the over-worked executive, everyone can take advantage of these easy-to-do tips and tricks to bring more peace into your day.

Jennifer E. Jones is the Inspiration Editor who believes deeply in the power of the siesta.


Mute the Commercials 
Unless you have a DVR, you’re ingesting a lot of ads with needless noise that you’d rather not see during your favorite television shows. When the commercials start, mute the sound. It gives you 30 seconds to a minute of peace and quiet.

Breathe
I know you think you’re breathing right now and you are. However, I’m talking about deep breathing – the kind that lifts your chest, fills your lungs and then exhales the body into relaxation. Breathe before a big meeting. Breathe while you’re in traffic. Take a moment as often as possible to close your eyes and take deep breaths.


Use Mouthwash
Okay, stay with me on this one. Most mouthwashes recommend that you swish the liquid around for 30 seconds. You have to be careful not to swallow it, while still making sure it hits all the corners of your mouth. It takes some focus; it’s difficult to do anything else and use mouthwash at the same time. If you’ve ever wanted to practice mindfulness (the art of being fully and singularly dedicated to whatever you’re doing in the moment), using mouthwash is a great start. Stand still, close your eyes and really feel the mouthwash between your cheeks. When you’re done, you’ll not only have a fresh mouth, but a calmer mind.

Nap
Feeling stressed out? You might just need a nap. Millions of people don’t get enough sleep, and if that’s you, it affects every area of your life from your weight to your emotions. Even if it’s just for 15 minutes, find a spot and take a nap. The snooze will do your body good.

Go to the Restroom
Who among us has not escaped to the bathroom for a moment of solitude? Whether you’re at home, the office or in a crowded restaurant, it can buy you at least a minute or two of privacy to collect yourself. So, if you’re feeling overwhelmed and you need a moment, excuse yourself. Put the “rest” back in restroom.

 

6 Ways to Stay Effective At Work When You’re Depressed

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Stay Effective At Work When You’re Blue

How do you work when you’re depressed? Here are six tips to help you if you're struggling with depression at the office.Therese J. Borchard writes the Beyond Blue blog on Beliefnet.

Break it Up
When the project I need done feels too overwhelming to begin, I break it down into very small pieces, and I give myself a deadline for each piece. For example, take a book. Now the mere thought of writing a book gives me a panic attack. So I don’t think about the whole book. I think about a chapter, about 10 pages. And then I break that down. When could I find time to write the first three pages (750 words)? I give myself a tentative due date. This was especially important as I was just surfacing to the working world again. If I didn’t break it down, I had to get out the paper bag and breathe from it. But divided into itty-bitty chunks, it was manageable.

Solicit a Cheerleader 
When you are the type of living organism that thrives on affirmations, like I do, it’s crucial to have a set of cheerleaders in your life to motivate you to get to the finish line, and to remind you that you have it in you to do it. Especially helpful are friends who have lived through the same hell of depression and have emerged as productive people today.


People
I know you can’t always choose your work situation, but if you have any control over it at all, I suggest you work on projects with other people, and physically be in the presence of other people. I think that is partly what was so helpful about working at the college.

The isolation of writing is not conducive to pulling yourself out of a depression. Too many temptations to ruminate and obsess. When someone is talking to you, on the other hand, you really should be listening. Which means you are not rolling around a week-old thought in your mind. Even if it means working in a coffee shop, as opposed to your house, getting around other people is almost always helpful.

Have a Venting Buddy
To clarify: Your cheerleaders are people outside your work who can “raw raw raw” make you feel better. A venting buddy, on the other hand, is someone within your work organization with whom you can be completely honest. This can be a dangerous step, so please proceed with caution.

But I know from the very recent experience of working at a rigid consulting firm that I would have completely lost it if it weren’t for three women in whom I confided everything: That I absolutely hated it, that I was looking for a job, that I was bipolar, that I might go postal at any moment. One woman, especially, my “new hire buddy” was a humongous support, as I would text her that I needed to have a cry outside, and she would just put her arm over me as I bawled. If you can find one person you trust, you will feel as though you aren’t totally alone. And that will make you less depressed.

List Your Excuses
Prior to working at this conservative consulting firm, I might have advised you to be perfectly honest with your co-workers and supervisor and divulge any depression or mood disorder. Yeah, well, I’m changing my mind on that. I thought I was doing the right thing by passing out copies of my book The Pocket Therapist: An Emotional Survival Kit to all my co-workers who I felt needed therapy, and setting up a blog where I could tie in research related to my job with my current bipolar status. Um. I got laid off. Not explicitly for that. But it really didn’t help my case.

So, for those people just entering a new job, I would seriously come up with a list of health issues you have, and use THOSE as your excuses. Don’t don’t don’t mention your depression or bipolar disorder. Everyone has funky stuff wrong with them. Geeze, I don’t know which to choose – my benign brain tumor, my aortic valve regurgitation, my Raynauld’s syndrome? In hindsight, if I were having a rough day at that firm knowing what I do today, I’d pick from the list and say I have a doctor’s appointment. I would not utter anything about a psychiatrist. I guess I just didn’t realize how backward corporate culture can be. Wow.

Don’t Blow Your Nose
This is another way of saying “fake it til you make it,” but since that phrase is overused, I thought I’d try another expression. In other words: The day that my boss told me that I had to shave off a layer of myself to fit into the firm – and that I shouldn’t breathe another word about my mental health history – I was trapped. I didn’t have a pass to exit the floor, let alone the building.

I couldn’t even go to the bathroom. So I sat in the room next to her with three other co-workers and I cried my eyes out, but since I didn’t blow my nose and kept my head down no one even noticed. If you can avoid crying altogether, that’s preferred. But I am a crier, and so if you are trapped in a situation where you can’t cry outside or in a bathroom, there is a way to sit at your desk and cry without anyone noticing. And if you type, even to a blank sheet that is not going nowhere, that looks (and sounds) even better. Like you are productive! When, in essence, you’re having a serious meltdown.