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Make Missionary Work
While most people have heard that it’s tough for a woman to climax in this standard sexual position (and in fact research suggests that only 25 percent of women do), with a little maneuvering, the missionary can actually be amazing.
The secret? CAT. No, we’re not suggesting something off-color, but rather that you learn the “Coital Alignment Technique.” Instead of having your guy lie on top of you chest-to-chest with his penis moving more or less horizontally, have him shift forward so that his chest is closer to your shoulders. As a result, his penis moves more up and down. In other words, if he rides higher on your pelvis, the bony base of his penis will make more contact with your clitoris. This increases direct stimulation and may provide enough to push you to orgasm. In fact, a recent study in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy showed a 56 percent increase in female orgasm in the missionary position after only 21 days of practicing the technique. Now, who said missionary work wasn’t fun?
Think Zinc
You’ve probably been told that certain foods like oysters are aphrodisiacs. But it really may have less to do with the performance of swallowing said shellfish and more to do with the fact that it’s high in zinc, which in turn can up your pheromones (sexy little hormones that make you irresistible to the opposite sex). According to registered dietitian Alyse Levine, other foods that contain zinc (which may also kick up your sex drive) include pumpkin seeds, eggs and spinach. So, zinc up before you synch up!
Keep Score
Good sexual partners are concerned about how they’re doing sexually but talking about it can be tough. This system from relationship expert Dr. Karyn Gordon can help get the dialogue going.
Score it
When discussing sex, instead of just going for ‘good,’ ‘bad,’ or ‘nonexistent’, get specific (this works great with men). Ask your partner, on a scale of 0 to 10, how satisfied they are with your sex life? Ask what they like and what’s missing. For the record, couples with a healthy sex life typically rate it an 8 or 9. (Why not 10? Because there is always room for improvement!)
Discuss It
Next, ask for specifics for how to improve. This should be a two-way conversation. Brainstorm ideas together. Here are some questions you could ask:
(1) What is the #1 thing I say that turns you on?
(2) What is the #1 thing I do that turns you on?
(3) What is the #1 thing I wear that turns you on?
(4) What is the #1 type of environment that turns you on?
Your partner (and you) may not know the answers to some of these questions right away. That’s okay. It allows you to try to figure out the answers and then tell your partner.
Do It!
Once you know a list of things that your partner likes and vice versa, keep it simple and focus on doing two key things that you know they like. Be sure to revisit your sex score after two weeks for a progress report!
Say “I Love You” After Sex
A recent study in The Journal of Sex Research found that both men and women in a long term relationship felt it was important to say those three little words after doing the deed. “It makes sense that if both a man and a woman want a long-term relationship, they both understand that after sex may be a time of bonding and expressing their love for each other,” says Susan Hughes, professor of psychology at Pennsylvania’s Albright College and author of the study. “Men who are in love might realize it’s especially important to their partner that they show their devotion.”
In other words, if you want a sex life that’s about more than just the physical, then make sure your partner knows how much you care…before, during but also after the act.
Stare into Each Other’s Eyes
Eye-gazing is a tantric secret from ancient India, and is also suggested by modern marriage therapists for developing deep sexual and erotic intimacy. “The eyes are a window to the soul and make you transparent to your lover,” says Dhyana Eagleton, M.A., a Boulder-based hypnotherapist and Tantra teacher. “This makes for better sex because instead of being distracted by the clutter in your mind, you and your sweetheart are completely focused and merged in one another on every level, physical, emotional and spiritual.” Eagleton offers the following tips for incorporating eye contact into your sex life…because love may be blind but lovemaking shouldn’t be!
Start by sitting opposite each other, clothed or unclothed, holding hands. Lovingly gaze into your sweetheart’s eyes for five minutes. Then begin to kiss and run your fingers along each other’s bodies, stimulating pleasure spots, while you continue looking in each other's eyes. Then try maintaining eye contact during intercourse and continue to look deeply into your lover's eyes while either one of you is climaxing. That can lead to an even more explosive orgasm and promote intense bonding.
Create a Quickie Cue
There is something insanely sexy about fast, need-you-now sex that can turn up the heat in your sex life. In order to make those moments happen with finesse Joel D. Block, PhD, author of The Art of the Quickie, suggests creating a “quickie cue” with your partner. “Imagine you’re sitting in a restaurant, you give him a look that he recognizes and then you get up and walk toward the restroom…he gets up and follows you knowing full well what you’re up to…because the two of you have created a quickie signal,” says Dr. Block. “It conveys in no uncertain terms, ‘You, me, here, now.” In other words: hot.
Practice Safe Sex(ting)
A little safe sexting with your partner can really ramp up the sexual heat. “If you’re in a committed and trusting adult relationship, a sext is a flirty and fun way to have a sexual and private discussion…in fact, sexting is a great way to express your innermost seductive desires that you might not have the guts to say in person,” says “Texpert” Shawn Edgington, author of Read Between the Lines: A Humorous Guide to Texting with Simplicity and Style. “Sexting can be a hot way to augment your relationship with that special someone to help keep the fire burning…a sexy secret instantly passed back and forth without anyone knowing what you’re talking about.” Edgington recommends that sexts never be raunchy but instead suggestive. Here are some fun examples to work into your sext-pertoire:
Can I bring anything for dinner… wine, chocolate sauce, whip cream?
I splurged at Victoria Secret – HBB (Hot Beyond Belief) Can’t wait to share.
I was in such a hurry this morning, I forgot to put on panties.
There’s something I’ve been waiting to show you…
Go Condom Shopping
"Experiment with sizes, textures, and materials to find the one that gives you both the most sensation," suggest Adam Glickman, Founder of Condomania.com. "With all the varieties and styles, you're sure to find one that will provide protection and pleasure." Another option to help him get a perfect fit (and maximize his glove-wearing experience in the process) is to “special order.” Check out Condomania’s custom-fit condom line. It boasts 55 sizes and you can take his “measurements” with the cut-out tools offered on the website. A proper fitting condom also has a reduced risk of breakage and slippage. Go to www.condomania.com to get started.
Read a Romance Novel…Out Loud
“If you are looking for ways to spike up the collective ardor of you and your partner, and are a fan of the build-up that precedes seeking fingertips, and bodies molded just so, don't underestimate the power of the written word,” says romance novelist Reid Lance Rosenthal and author of the best-selling, multiple award winning Threads West. “The torch of a well-written sex scene delivered with the audible pheromones of a lover's voice is a surefire foundation to a scorching primal zing after the last word of the reading -- assuming you actually make it all the way through the passage." Rosenthal gives these additional tips to make your sex-scene sharing even more alluring:
Set the Scene. Back drop the reading with the glow of candles, and let your words flow languorously over the soft cotton of sweet smelling sheets. Delivery, content and setting will without doubt enhance what comes next.
Keep it Clean. Rosenthal suggests that the best passages to read are tactile scenes, not smutty, well written by someone who obviously knows about that which they pen, with real action, good description and building passion. In other words, it’s a little dirty but not trashy.
Use the Power of Suggestion. Perhaps you desire some loving out of your ordinary routine? Choose the section of the book accordingly, or even insert your own special paragraph! In other words, read it and then act it out!
Wear Socks in Bed
Yes, we know, socks don't typically go with lingerie. But here's one good reason to keep your feet covered: A Dutch study from the University of Groningen showed that a woman is 30 percent more likely to have an orgasm if her feet are warm! The psychological ramifications of a comfortable environment also apparently factor in here (i.e. the more at ease a woman is during sex, the easier it is to reach that peak).
Breathe Together While Knocking Boots
“Synchronous tantric breathing helps a couple to focus and tune in to each other for greater intimacy,” says Eagleton. A sexual breath exchange doesn’t have to include intercourse, but it can. Here is Eagleton’s prescription for learning to breathe together. (She recommends doing it in the morning, and again in the evening when you hit the sack.) Commit to doing the steps below, she says and your sex life will naturally become more connected.
Start by lying together on your sides in the spooning position, eyes closed and breathing deeply. Start breathing deeply, inhaling and exhaling. Have your guy listen to your breath or feel your chest expanding and adjust his breathing to match yours.
After a few minutes breathing at your pace, switch. As your guy inhales and exhales, breathe deeply with him.
Then, caress each other while breathing together and remain in that deeply relaxed, open flow.
Turn each other on just enough to be aroused and connected as you start your day or as you drift into sleep. If you feel like making love, relax into the deep breathing with your partner while thrusting.
Whip it Up
“Incorporating food into foreplay can be extremely erotic,” says Dr. Block. Smearing melted chocolate on each other is one awesome option. Another amazing item? Whipped Lightning, a yummy, adult alcohol-spiked whipped cream. Available in limited release right now (check the website to see if it’s your state), we’re guessing that anyone who gets their hands on a bottle of this stuff will see the limitless potential for bedroom games in this spray can. Just shoot it on and let your imagination take it from there. Is that what one would call a double-whipped-whoopie-whammy?
Chill Out!
According to new psychology research from The University of Texas at Austin, stress is a major buzz-kill for your sex life. The study showed that chronically elevated cortisol levels (a hormone released in times of stress) can produce impotence and loss of libido by inhibiting testosterone production in men. In women, chronically high levels of cortisol can produce severe fertility problems and result in an abnormal menstrual cycle (which may also affect sex drive). However, the effects of cortisol go down in both men and women as soon as stress levels are normalized. So, if your sex life is suffering from stress, consider that instead of trying to make sex happen, you and your partner would probably do better learning to relax together. Take a bath a deux (which promotes bonding) or perhaps practice yoga together (increased flexibility in addition to stress relief!). Making efforts to chill together can actually help you heat things up again.
Whisper Dirty Nothings
“Dirty talk adds an aural dimension to sex that can elevate the experience,” says Rachel Venning, co-author of Moregasm and co-founder of Babeland. “The truth is taking risks is sexy, and sometimes speaking our desires out loud is taking a risk…especially if preceded by the words ‘I want you to....’ " says Venning who suggests that if you take a risk, your own excitement level is sure to go up, even aside from what will happen if your partner takes you up on your invitation. Another way to start the dirty talk, she says, is to narrate what’s happening. Try telling him what you’re going to do next, what you’re doing now, or what you just did. Cheesy? Maybe. Effective? Yes, yes, yes!
Squeeze in a Striptease
"A tasteful tease will improve your sex life with its unique experience and that ever important intimate connection you'll make with your one-on-one show!" says professional burlesque performer Darlinda Just Darlinda. Here are her tips for getting your bedroom act just right.
Find a sexy (but not too slutty) outfit. Some favorites of the burlesque set are Secrets in Lace and American Shapewear. They have vintage-inspired lingerie with stockings and garters to give you something to do with your hands.
Choose a song that makes you feel sexy and practice! Fumbling with your sexy new stockings and garters may turn your striptease into a comedy routine, so before you take your show to the bedroom, do a dress rehearsal alone. And pick a song that makes you feel hot as soon as you hear it or one you've played when you and your lover are going at it.
Incorporate sensuous fabrics. Wear something soft that your partner will want to touch! A sequined gown may look sparkly and fun, but a velvet dress feels soft to the touch and shows off your gorgeous curves! Add a boa that you can caress yourself and your lover with!
Have fun. Set the mood with some candles or low lighting and enjoy yourself. A tease should be fun and sexy so don't take yourself too seriously.
Use a Vibrator
Need an incentive to engage in a little battery-powered action? Two Indiana University studies conducted among nationally representative samples of adult American men and women showed that vibrator use during sexual interactions may have benefits for your health as well as your sex life. The two studies, in which approximately 53 percent of women and 45 percent of men ages 18 to 60 reported using vibrators, found that the mechanical aid is associated with more positive sexual function (desire, arousal, lubrication, orgasm and overall function) and with being more proactive in caring for one's sexual health. And these stats were not just for women. Men who used vibrators during sexual play also showed higher sexual function and health.
Chomp Celery
Celery may just put the “crude” in “crudite." Research has found that sharing a stalk of it can make you and your partner mutually irresistible. That's thanks to androstenone, a steroid found in human sweat that puts off a scent, or sex pheromone, which makes people more attractive to each other. This steroid is also found in celery and eating it can increase the human levels of the steroid and pheromone secretion! “In addition, celery increases the volume of ejaculatory fluids in both sexes making climax stronger so not only will a man smell good, he will have a stronger urge to have sex,” says Judy Gaman, coauthor of Stay Young: Ten Proven Steps to Ultimate Health. “For women, it can put her in a great mood and increase the orgasmic effect.” So, head to the vegetable section, stat!
Check Your Sexual Compatibility
You may think you know what your get-it-on preferences are but the reality is that most people don’t fully know their proclivities (and if they don’t know their own, then there is no way they can guess what their partner digs).
Enter the Beiter Sexuality Preference Indicator, a really revealing quiz created by clinical psychologist Dr. John Beiter. This online quiz guides you through a series of questions and word associations that are designed to capture your sexual impulses (i.e. don’t over-think your answers) and will give you a roadmap as to where your sexual preferences predominate. For example, you might be “Adventurous” but with an almost equal amount of “Loving” or “Passionate” with a penchant for the “Romantic.”
“This fun little tool has helped many couples make some magic happen between the sheets,” says Dr. Beiter. “It has allowed them to get out of ‘the routine’ of being together and sexually explore fantasies that had previously been confined to the mind.” Take the quiz together and share your results! You might learn something you didn’t know (and knowledge is always a turn on).
Be a Camera-Phone Provocateur
Yes, your camera phone was meant for taking photos of pretty sunsets and rainbows and the like. But it’s also a potent tool for prurient pix. “Visuals can create anticipation and excitement because what you see you can’t have at that exact moment,” says Edgington. “If sending explicit photos is in your future, it’s a good idea to eliminate your face in those images that include `The Twins' or `Mr. Happy' for privacy protection.” That said, even an innocuous photographic glimpse of your stockings or lacy bra with a playful “See you later” caption will keep your lover on high alert all day (and ready to undress you the minute work is done).
Try a Yummy Sex Position
While some elements of tantric sex – like tandem breathing and coital eye contact – seem easy to incorporate into your sex life, some positions can be intimidating. But the Yab Yum tantric position is so accessible that once you try it, it may become a permanent part of your sexual repertoire. “This tantric position works to improve your sex life because it puts both partners face to face but in a more equal position than missionary and it frees up the hands for exploration,” says Eagleton. “Since this position does not allow deep and rapid thrusting, tantric lovers focus instead on the powerful pleasurable sensations coursing through their bodies when they move with gentle, slow thrusting and are more present and intimate with one another.” Here’s how:
Start with your guy sitting on cushions cross-legged or with his legs slightly bent and the soles of his feet touching.
When you are feeling aroused and lubricated from love-play, face your lover, lower yourself onto his member and wrap your legs around his waist, crossing them in the back and embracing him with your arms around his back or neck.
Next, you can start to undulate in his lap. Your guy can caress your body all over sensuously, gently rocking your hips and buttocks rhythmically with his hands, and stimulating your breasts and nipples with his hands or mouth.
Then try relaxing in union, remaining very still and present, eye-gazing, smiling, and incorporating Tantric breathing (see Tip #11 ).
Embrace Your Age
A recent Swedish study found that some things actually do improve with age…including sex! When 1,500 people were interviewed over a 30-year period, researchers found that both sexes reported an increase in sex at age 70 and older (from 38 percent to 56 percent for married women and from 52 percent to 68 percent for married men, with slightly lower stats for single men and women). Additionally, the number of women reporting high sexual satisfaction increased, and more women reported having an orgasm during sex while fewer reported never having had an orgasm as they aged. So stop worrying that your days of being sexual are numbered, and spend your time instead working on increasing your satisfaction.
Hug Naked!
The average hug lasts less than four seconds since most people are self-conscious about hugging and being hugged. But being held close is a primal experience that can be therapeutic and bonding (even though if feels scary). If you really want to bond with your partner, however, try hugging naked. “As adults, too often we shield ourselves against experiences that can trigger strong emotional responses,” says Dr. Block. Block recommends that to increase the trust in your relationship (sexual and otherwise) you start by hugging your partner…a normal squeeze with clothes on. Discuss how you felt. Then take a big sexy leap and take all your clothes off and hug again. You’ll likely see that it’s not as easy as you first imagined but once you trust and relax, you’ll bond intimately in a way you might not have expected. It’s about promoting security within your sexual relationship.
Do a Sexual Warm-up
The greater your arousal, the greater your orgasm. So give yourself a pre-bedroom boost by beginning the buildup before the date even begins. “Time spent prepping your body gets the juices flowing,” says Venning. “A stress-releasing bath followed by generous application of oils will put your skin in a receptive mood. Trim or remove hair down there so that your private parts will be even more sensitive.” Venning suggests mental prep helps too. Spend some time fantasizing about what will happen. Even better, make some concrete plans about the sex you want to have and what you will initiate or ask for. This increases the excitement of anticipation and the confidence of having some control. That being said, spontaneity still has a role (as do your partner’s plans). Just keep in mind that some of the best sex is like improv -- some is planned in advance, while other actions require more in-the-moment discovery.
Play Dress Up
Many couples find it liberating sexually to don a costume and along with that get-up, a new persona. "Acting out your fantasy with your partner by wearing a sexy costume in the bedroom is a wonderful way to express yourself in a non-threatening manner,” says Mary Pender Greene, a New York City psychotherapist and relationship expert. “For example, a pirate costume might give a wife license to take charge in the bedroom.” Looking to spice things up a bit? Shop separately for fantasy outfits and then surprise each other with the costumes reflecting your sexual alter-egos. “There are outfits for both men and women, and many of them are based on popular fetishes and fantasies that couples enjoy bringing to life,” says Greene.
Do a Little Baking
It turns out that the number one smell to turn men on, according to Dr. Alan R. Hirsch, neurological director of the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation, is a combination of pumpkin pie and lavender. In fact, this spicy smell combo increased male penile blood flow by 40 percent! Second in line? Doughnuts and black licorice (31.5 percent increase in sexual arousal), followed by pumpkin pie and doughnuts (20 percent increase). For women a whiff of Good & Plenty and cucumber recorded the highest increase in female sexual arousal. So if you’re trying to get a guy to get-it-on… it wouldn’t hurt to actually don an apron (clothes optional underneath) and bake a pumpkin pie. The reward might be sex in the kitchen!
Head to a HotelYou know that fancy dinner you were planning? Take the money and spend it on a cheap hotel instead. You don’t even have to spend the night! “Pack a bag with a few of your favorite toys and a bottle of lube, tell the babysitter you’ll be home by midnight,” says Venning. “Motels or hotels can be very fun. No kids who might interrupt. No nosy neighbors to hear your peals of delight. The excitement of a new place. No intrusive thoughts about how you could be spending the time doing a load of laundry, and you won’t feel responsible if you notice cobwebs in the corner.” In other words, there is a certain sexy feeling that comes from doing something illicit. Yell your heart out. Then, leave a big tip for the maid and head home.
Get Him to Clean House
Obviously the picture of your man in a tool belt is alluring, but how about the thought of him in an apron? Researchers from the University of California, Riverside , found that when men contribute to household chores, their women actually find them more sexually attractive. Social scientists report that women interpret a man’s domestic contributions as a sign of love and caring and are therefore more sexually attracted to their mates. So, hand him a sponge and tell him that if he cleans up the dinner dishes, there'll be a reward waiting for him in the bedroom.
Try for a Tandem OFor years the holy grail of sexual intercourse has been simultaneous orgasm. It’s not always easy to achieve, but a shared orgasm can be amazing. “One way to make this rare event a lot more common is to get a We Vibe,” says Venning. “This ingenious little toy is a hands-free, U-shaped vibe that slides over the female partner’s clitoris. The other end tucks inside. The clever design allows penetration to proceed unimpeded by the streamlined vibe. Strong consistent clitoral stimulation for the woman, combined with her partner’s thrusting and her partner gets the satisfactions of penetration plus his own buzzing thrill with each push.” But even without a little vibrating “help,” making mutual orgasm a goal of your sex life can lead to all kinds of new sexual discoveries and incentive for a lot of practice (in other words, creative fun and more sex…woo hoo!).
Take a Drive
By taking a drive, we mean make it in the car! “Remember, if you indulge in the car, make sure the alarm is off and the engine is cool…and it’s probably best not to engage in this blind lust while you’re driving,” says Dr. Block, who encourages car sex as a way of feeling sexually adventurous. “Many people report some of their steamiest sexual experiences happened while steaming up the car windows.” Ummm…ladies and gentlemen, start your engines.
Just Do It
“As women, we have a lots of other stuff to do besides having fun in bed. Often not only a demanding job and a home to take care of, but also a family, too. With all of the items on our to-do lists, sex can get constantly shunted off to tomorrow,” says Venning. “Waiting for a powerful chord of desire to strike can be like waiting for the Publisher’s Clearinghouse van to pull up. It ain’t gonna happen. So instead of waiting, make your own luck. Starting sex is one of the best ways to feel sexy.” Venning suggests the following. Try initiating sex on a Friday night. It might feel a little forced at first, but stick with it. Usually the body catches up if you do the motions. You’ll probably have some pretty nice sex. But watch out for Saturday! With your pump primed from Friday night, your level of arousal will be higher the next day and you’ll want to go back for more. And the second time will be better. And lookout Sunday morning! Park the kids in front of a movie and “sleep in.” Those are the weekends that make a relationship last.
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